carolina?

So I've been thinking...

1. I'm not sure I want to be a music major anymore. I calmed down after my last post and, after thinking about it a lot, realized that:
   
   • I do not aspire to have a performance career,
   • I don't enjoy singing when I'm forced to do it, and
   • working this hard makes me hate music.
   So why do this? Singing can still be a part of my life, and I will have a basis of knowledge in theory and piano at the end of this semester that will help me if I choose later in life to return to this field.
2. I really really REALLY enjoy my sociology class. It reminds me of Area II at GSE; it's epistemology with regards to societal behavior. I love it. I think I'm going to change my major to sociology next semester, or maybe political science, or international studies. I miss keeping up with the news for my international relations class; I'm going to get back in the swing of things soon.
3. Assuming that I do change my major, there is no reason for me to stay at UNC-G. It sounds bad, but I'm too intelligent for this school. It clicked in my brain today during sociology when I looked around and no one was paying attention. I don't expect college students to always be completely engaged in their classes, that's ridiculous. But I feel like my brain could atrophy here. So I'm thinking of transferring to Carolina next fall. The thought excites me...I think that's a good sign. :]
   

crying.

I don't love singing anymore. What am I going to do? Every time I sing, I get upset and frustrated. I don't even like choir anymore. Everything about this major makes me want to cry all the time. I am not going to work this hard for something I hate.

I'll probably be a sociology major by next semester.

better.

I got to play with puppies today. I LOVE PUPPIES.
AXA (I think) had them in a big pen outside the dining hall, encouraging adoptions and taking donations. I gave them ten dollars that will go straight to the shelter to buy food and blankets. :]

I have a peach on my desk that I took from the dining hall on Tuesday. It still isn't ripe enough to eat. I find that hilarious.

I've been writing my birthday wish list.
This is what I have so far:

1. iTunes gift cards
2. boxes of organic herbal teabags
3. money so I can pay my accompanist

...That's everything I want. And it's all practical.

sorry.

That last post was completely uncalled for.
Why can't I keep perspective when I get angry? I say a lot of things I don't mean. That makes me sad.

angry reflections.

I HATE class piano and I HATE my women's choir and I HATE that I am so far behind everyone else in theory.

And I think there's something wrong with me. I don't care about other people. I could live on a planet that was completely empty except for Ben and my mom. I don't miss anyone else--sorry, get over it. And I just don't fucking feel like hanging out with Tara.

Here's the thing: if I continue to hang out with her, I'm going to get stuck with our friendship for the rest of my life. I don't want to be friends with ANYONE for that long!! I don't care enough to maintain friendships that aren't convenient. I really like the people on my hall, but the only reason we eat all our meals together, etc., is because it's CONVENIENT. I don't NEED anyone else. I don't give a shit about "valuing what I have" in my "friendships." Fuck that. I have always been almost disgustingly independent.

I don't know what the hell my problem is. Often I feel like I should force myself to be bound to other people like all the other weaklings on the planet. Right now I'm just trying to control the violent urges I'm feeling.

This is probably why people become murderers.

twitching and salivating

I need to get back to listening to Radiohead.

J and C want me to blog again. I didn't realize it had been over two months. What should I say?
You know how picky I am, and unfortunately, my life has no poetry in it right now.

I like Sparkles' blog much better. He has some really amazing observations. Plus he writes open letters to people who annoy him. Very entertaining.

I really want to watch Grizzly Man.

I've started packing up for college. I own so much shit; I'm honestly surprised every day by the volume of it all. The big cleaning part came a couple weeks ago, and I filled FIVE trash bags with bottles and bottles of nail polish, school work from junior year, trinkets and memorabilia and Christmas gifts from my extended family. And yet my room is still full. The harder part is deciding which books to bring with me. I also worry that I don't have enough bags and suitcases for all of my clothes (tangent concern: if I actually got rid of everything that's worn out or doesn't fit, would I even have enough clothes?).

I went to Governor's School Alumni Day on Saturday. I don't know how I feel about it. Usually my emotions are right on the surface, but not in this case. I had this weird lump in my throat for a good part of the day, but I never cried. My jaw muscles hurt for three days from laughing and smiling and talking so much.

The last day of the session last summer, I sobbed for a good two hours.

I think I was relieved to find that some of the emotion had gone out of it for me. I know that I'll see those people again and that college will be a similar experience; I'm not so sad about leaving Governor's School anymore. But I also think that's the reason for the lump in my throat. I'm getting farther away from it. Most of the friendships will fade, almost all of the memories will with time. I don't want that to happen, but I don't need to miss it so fiercely for the rest of my life.

It's very complicated.

Today is July 15.
B leaves for college August 15. I leave August 19.
I hope we're ready.

update.

I cut all my hair off. :)
Having short hair is one of the most incredible things I have ever experienced. I had never realized how much shampoo I used until this morning, when I literally had to dump an entire handful back into the bottle.


This is me before. TERRIBLE.


This is how I looked yesterday. Lovely! What an improvement.