in my head.

today I sat and smoked myself to cancer

thinking about the dancer at the bar

well, how was I to know that a crush could just implode

til it became a grudge eclipsing every star

and yes, I know my addictions run the gamut

the drugs, the smokes, the booze, the 24

but you can't make the turkey colder or skew me less bipolar

let me list the things about you I abhor

horrible, you're so easy, talk sleazy

you led me off the plank and left me queasy

and that is why you can't rock my world

you swore that you were taken when I met you

but yes, you did undress me from afar
a gentle concubine, you skip amongst the mines
just a product of the endless, empty grind

you lack the curves that prove a proper lady
a slender slave with sluttish, sleepy eyes
though once I was emoting and Bono-lyric quoting
I have found another, be my guest and die

starry eyes, she's warm-glancing, entrancing
and now I'm through with all your sick, sad ranting
and that is why you can't rock my world

I've lost you and now I glide through the silky sky

it's so blue and you're just old news that is why

so screwed, cadaver gone blue, this has died

your machine has grown gangrene

and now I see right through your lies

with ripe wonder, I plunder the village

now that I know I've become her

and that is why you can't rock my

that is why, that is why you'll never ever

in a goddamn millennium

be my girl

I watch frozen stars on the way home

I watch frozen stars on the way back home

I watch frozen stars on the way home

I watch frozen stars burn out on the way back home.

--"that is why" by say anything

no one reads this but me.

I think that's alright though. This particular blog is really just a way to sort out what exactly I'm feeling right now.

Right now, I'm listening to a few of the songs off of Line in the Sand, Zox's new album and reminiscing. I'm a little sad, a little embarassed, a little contemplative.

I don't think I was an idiot to care about him. I knew it wouldn't and couldn't work; I'm not that naive girl chasing the impossible. I spent months wanting him so badly--but I never became a burden on him. I didn't call him. Ever. I gave him space and respect and understanding.

And see? I gave him space whenever he seemed like he needed it, but he came back to me again and again. There was a period of time during the summer when I talked to him online for at least a couple hours every night.

Then there was all that drama. Love, and my age, and professionalism. That was a bad time. I felt angry and sad and childish and stupid...but he came back again eventually, though not in the same way.

Friends with benefits is not a good thing to be in the long term. And by the way, he did a terribly good job being a typical guy. Not that I was making the best decisions, but he pretended at least a little to care about me--and hadn't we had that discussion about leading people on just a few months before?

Turns out he doesn't care. She called him that night when I was staying over with her and told him that she thought he was falling for me. He apparently said that anonymous parties were attempting to convince him to start a relationship with me. A real relationship.

Don't think I was excited about that. I was apprehensive and unsure of my feelings on that topic, but I still wanted to talk to him about it.

But then he stopped talking. Seems odd for a person who once told me that I understood him better than most people.

I mulled over possible reasons for the silence, then decided that it wasn't up to me to interpret. I gave him space...as usual. He continues to take this space. A month and a half of space and silence.

I guess he doesn't want to come back this time, though I desperately wish he would, if only to explain why. He never did talk about his feelings much.

You introduced me to this song and it was so beautiful, but it tore me apart. You apologized for the lyrics once, but they didn't hurt any less then, and they don't hurt any less now.

"and if we started all over today

I think we know that we'd end up in the same place

maybe you're right and we've got nothing to say

I wanna hear it anyway."