I screw everything up.

shallow bitch
go on!

make decisions!

hurt people!

ch-ch-ch-changes.

I feel like my life is catching up finally with modern stereotypes of the average American teenager.

Pretty different things happening recently; some are good, some absolutely terrifying.

I am finally friends with I.S.; we talked some issues out a couple weeks ago and today had a wonderful conversation. His sister adopted a baby and now he's an uncle--I couldn't be more excited for him; I know how much he likes kids.

S might have HIV. He is six days older than me, and may have recently contracted a virus that leaves its victims with an average life expectancy of 33 years after contraction and that can turn into The Negative Connotation that is AIDS, thus shortening that 33 years. Why isn't there a cure? Duke University, the college/corporation that basically owns my hometown, is developing a shirt that refracts light around its wearer, thus acting as an Invisibility Cloak, but no one can find a drug to fight microscopic bodies that can't even survive in open air? This scares the hell out of me.

I am officially The Virgin in my group of friends. It has become a stretch of the mind to actually think of a close acquaintance who is not sexually active. This makes me feel pathetic. I know that losing that status at any time in my prior attempts at relationships would have been a disaster-- hindsight's nice like that--but I still feel like a child. I'm not NOT doing it for moral or religious or health or any other kind of reasons. I have no excuse. I don't want to rush it, but REALLY. I'm going to be 18 in a few months; this is pitiful.

J spent the night in jail for drug possession. Apparently people are pretty sketchy and the food sucks.

R is really good to me. Better than I could have predicted. Practically perfect in every...anyway. I'm worried. It is becoming more and more obvious that I am going to HAVE to tell my mother. I don't want her to freak out or feel like I've betrayed her trust. There are two directions in which that conversation could turn: one with the outcome I pray for, and the other as a screaming fight involving awkward questions about sexual motives and why he would want to date someone so far out of his age range. And yes, 5 years is not so much in most circumstances, but it's different! She's in high school!

It's not different. He cares about me. This is the first time someone has really cared about me like this, and if she destroys it...I will never forgive her.

On a lighter note, Hail to the Thief and Kid A are fantastic. This brings my Radiohead album rankings to:

1. Hail to the Thief
2. In Rainbows
3. Kid A
4. The Bends
5. OK Computer
6. Amnesiac
7. Pablo Honey

God knows that'll change by next Thursday. I wonder what else will.

as a pool of water.

I wish I could get all of my thoughts out of my head and format them like music files into something beautiful. I feel like every idea I have sits idle and heavy in my mind like an m4a that will not play on Windows Media Player or Samsung Media Studio or anything, really, and I don't have the skill to convert it.

I'm toying with the idea of attempting to write again. I haven't written since my passion died in "Creative Writing" last year, at least not seriously. I feel like I could; I keep getting little flashes of images that make me feel like not such a failure as a writer.

I get like this sometimes. It's a mental block, and it really annoys me. My workload in my classes is a little too much to handle at the moment, and with upcoming performances and Spring Youth looming over me, drooling like the monsters under the bed in Calvin and Hobbes, it's like trying to sprint through caramel carrying a cow on my back.

Frustration is an understatement.

But he sends me cute text messages, so most days I figure I'll be okay. :]