soy perezosa. lo siento, mundo.

It's been a while. My good friend just read my entire blog today and showered me with praise, so I figured I'd update. :]

Here's what is going on in my life:

I went to Governor's School and it was completely incredible.

I am going to St. John's College in Annapolis, MD next fall come hell or high water.

I got dumped for the first time ever on July 19. I promptly wrote this poem:

why should I have anything to say to you?

let's be friends and

that wouldn't be fair to you and

you were so wonderful, don't think it's your fault.

you've said enough.

stop.

words are hollow and

mass-producing blank newsprint doesn't convey any information

multiply a null set and you still get zero.

the elevator smells sterilized

like clinical precision, like death in a hospital hallway and now I realize

that distance makes the heart wither, crumple,

tear itself into bleeding fragments of hope and trust and memory.

I can't even sing with any kind of feeling

because as my heart rends itself into shards

my breath stops

I feel my bones pushing through my skin

and the saline sting of hot tears as they

stain the music in my hands, as they

wet my cheeks that burn with embarrassment

while everyone stares at me like a caged animal, as they

fall like the rain outside this window

--which, by the way,

as it hits the fabric of an umbrella,

sounds just like fireworks popping, like

hot summer nights and

laughter and barbecues and

memories that continue to flood my eyes as the

puddles flood my shoes.

it's pitiful what reminds me of you--

the rain and

these jeans and

the bathroom mirror and

my tendency toward self-deprecation.

but it doesn't matter, NONE of it MATTERS

because analyzing past actions

doesn't change the consequences and

destroying the physical evidence

doesn't erase the scars and
ignoring the dreams

doesn't mean they won't turn into nightmares and

saying "I love you"

doesn't make it true.