disappearing act.

it makes me sad
that the only people who
seek me out,
take an interest,
seem to care are

not

my (friends)

carolina?

So I've been thinking...

1. I'm not sure I want to be a music major anymore. I calmed down after my last post and, after thinking about it a lot, realized that:
   
   • I do not aspire to have a performance career,
   • I don't enjoy singing when I'm forced to do it, and
   • working this hard makes me hate music.
   So why do this? Singing can still be a part of my life, and I will have a basis of knowledge in theory and piano at the end of this semester that will help me if I choose later in life to return to this field.
2. I really really REALLY enjoy my sociology class. It reminds me of Area II at GSE; it's epistemology with regards to societal behavior. I love it. I think I'm going to change my major to sociology next semester, or maybe political science, or international studies. I miss keeping up with the news for my international relations class; I'm going to get back in the swing of things soon.
3. Assuming that I do change my major, there is no reason for me to stay at UNC-G. It sounds bad, but I'm too intelligent for this school. It clicked in my brain today during sociology when I looked around and no one was paying attention. I don't expect college students to always be completely engaged in their classes, that's ridiculous. But I feel like my brain could atrophy here. So I'm thinking of transferring to Carolina next fall. The thought excites me...I think that's a good sign. :]
   

crying.

I don't love singing anymore. What am I going to do? Every time I sing, I get upset and frustrated. I don't even like choir anymore. Everything about this major makes me want to cry all the time. I am not going to work this hard for something I hate.

I'll probably be a sociology major by next semester.

better.

I got to play with puppies today. I LOVE PUPPIES.
AXA (I think) had them in a big pen outside the dining hall, encouraging adoptions and taking donations. I gave them ten dollars that will go straight to the shelter to buy food and blankets. :]

I have a peach on my desk that I took from the dining hall on Tuesday. It still isn't ripe enough to eat. I find that hilarious.

I've been writing my birthday wish list.
This is what I have so far:

1. iTunes gift cards
2. boxes of organic herbal teabags
3. money so I can pay my accompanist

...That's everything I want. And it's all practical.

sorry.

That last post was completely uncalled for.
Why can't I keep perspective when I get angry? I say a lot of things I don't mean. That makes me sad.

angry reflections.

I HATE class piano and I HATE my women's choir and I HATE that I am so far behind everyone else in theory.

And I think there's something wrong with me. I don't care about other people. I could live on a planet that was completely empty except for Ben and my mom. I don't miss anyone else--sorry, get over it. And I just don't fucking feel like hanging out with Tara.

Here's the thing: if I continue to hang out with her, I'm going to get stuck with our friendship for the rest of my life. I don't want to be friends with ANYONE for that long!! I don't care enough to maintain friendships that aren't convenient. I really like the people on my hall, but the only reason we eat all our meals together, etc., is because it's CONVENIENT. I don't NEED anyone else. I don't give a shit about "valuing what I have" in my "friendships." Fuck that. I have always been almost disgustingly independent.

I don't know what the hell my problem is. Often I feel like I should force myself to be bound to other people like all the other weaklings on the planet. Right now I'm just trying to control the violent urges I'm feeling.

This is probably why people become murderers.