so strange.

It's been two weeks.

I'm okay, I think. I cried a couple nights ago, but I went a few days before that without crying at all. It doesn't hurt constantly anymore. But it still makes me so sad when I think about it.

I was looking for my can opener earlier and found the picture of us from Gondoliers last year--the one I framed and kept in my dorm room all year. My stomach lurched. It's pretty apparent I still love him. And who's surprised? I honestly thought we were going to get married. I had a vague list floating around in my mind of possible honeymoon locations, the flowers for the wedding, the beverages for the reception (you always have to be careful; we both have alcoholics in the family). I wasn't naive to think it was possible. I know that.

Anyway. Now that the intensity of missing him is starting to fade, I'm realizing that I fell in love at a really inopportune time. I have grown and changed so much since the fall of 2008, and almost all of that change had to do with him or was caused by my relationship. So instead of my transition from high school to college being about me, it was about my relationship. And now, I'm not really sure who I am. I can't be the girl I was when I was with him--that's over. And I refuse to go back to who I was before him, because that girl is not a happy person. Who am I? Do I have the capacity to flirt anymore, or have I gotten so used to being predictable and stable that I don't know how to have fun? Could I even convince myself to have a fling, like everyone else my age does? I can't continue to act like I have a boyfriend. I am single.

I want to go out and flirt and have fun and make stupid mistakes, because that's what you do when you're single in college. I just don't know if I can. I've been safe inside this little bubble for a year and a half, inside a bubble where nothing is dangerous or challenging, and I've become a person that would rather just not flirt than risk a relationship that isn't perfect. I've been ruined by a guy who TOLD me he wanted to marry me, and now I can't imagine having sex without love, or flirting without genuine interest, or even casual dating. These are things I'm expected to do! Things I want to have in my life as I am becoming an adult! Things that are fun and fulfilling for the moment, and not necessarily forever. I've been taught to expect forever.

I love(d) him, and I'm glad in a lot of ways that I had this experience, but right now I just feel like a ruined woman. Like a future cat lady. Like someone who is going to end up jaded and pissed off, someone who solves problems with alcohol and denial. I know I'm better than that, but right now I can't seem to find that strong, intelligent, independent woman I thought I was. Maybe because she was just an illusion. Maybe I have to start all over.