THIS

is something everyone should read.

Realizing how much your mother loves you, if yours is still around or not, is extremely touching and often something we forgot when we're annoyed.

musings.

When I was at Governor's School, one starlit evening, I was discussing the concept of reincarnation with my friend Elijah. He said he believed in it, and he said that sometimes you can just talk to someone and know if they are a new soul or an old soul.

"I'm definitely a new soul," he said, laughing. He described that he felt that way because he was so spastic and constantly energetic and all over the place. Then he looked at me, pondering quietly, and said, "You've been here before."

I felt this unbelievable frisson go through me, and I knew it was true.

I think about that a lot when I'm considering religion and the afterlife. Everyone in my life has a different opinion about what happens when you die. My boyfriend fervently believes in Heaven, Hell and a Day of Judgment. My mom believes in some kind of afterlife but not Hell. My dad is a former Catholic, so who even knows what he believes, if he believes anything at all. I recently have been telling people that I believe you just die and that's it, you become part of the ground--but I don't really believe it. My reason gets in the way of what my heart tells me a lot. My brain thinks believing in anything that can't be proved empirically is stupid, but my heart KNOWS that when Elijah said I was an old soul, he was speaking truth.

My mom and I were talking about this a month or so ago, and she described why she believes in something beyond death: conservation of energy. She believes strongly that the beauty of the natural processes of life could not have occurred within a divine helping hand. So, it follows that since in nature, energy can neither be created nor destroyed, a soul does not simply disappear when the body dies. Our self, our energy, becomes part of something else--whether that means reincarnation or an unconscious energy flow or "Heaven."

I like that. And it makes sense, so my brain is happy too.

Another idea that helps my brain believe is something my religious studies professor said at the beginning of this semester. No culture in human history has NOT developed some kind of religious cosmology as part of their culture. Primitive tribes thousands of years ago all fashioned a system of belief around a supernatural being/force or multiple beings/forces. These tribes didn't talk to each other; they didn't have Twitter. But somehow, they all developed beliefs that were essentially the same: there is more than this basic existence.

Also, the wondrous commentaries of children lead me to believe there is something more. They come to conclusions, often without adult guidance, about the marvelous place their grandparents go when they die. I just read a story in a comment on http://herbadmother.com about a mother who had two children, a boy and a girl, and who was not planning to have more. Her very young daughter came to her and asked where her other sibling was. The mother was obviously confused. The daughter explained that before she was born, there was her, her brother, and another child. "Where is the other one?" she asked, perplexed. And sure enough, two years later, the mother became pregnant unexpectedly with a second daughter. Her two daughters have been inseparable since the youngest one was born. If that doesn't make you believe in the permanence of souls, nothing will.


I think my struggle with religion is not because the concept is flawed, but rather because all religions existing now on this planet make my heart hurt. They violate what my soul knows to be the greatest purpose of existence, which is to love and be loved, by condemning others to the fiery pits of Hell, by making excuses for hypocrisy, by creating loopholes, by claiming that sometimes war is acceptable and God WANTS us to kill sinners, by hating others.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer came to the conclusion during his ministry and study that Jesus really intended for us to live according to the standards set in his Sermon on the Mount, that he loved us so much that he KNEW we could love our enemies, care for the poor, etc. This is why so many Christians upset me so much. The common modern theology teaches that, though God put his commandments down on tablets of stone, though Jesus preached on the Mount about how one should live one's life, that you don't really have to follow those rules because no one CAN. It's a cop out. It's lazy. They say that all one must do to go to Heaven is accept Christ as the savior of your soul because he died for your sins, and everyone else goes to Hell. Regardless of how one lived one's life.

I want to scream. "Don't you realize that means Gandhi is in Hell? Buddha? Malcolm X? Confucius? Millions of people that never even knew who Jesus was?" But they don't care, because they are comforted in their knowledge that they are safe, so they don't need to care about the eternal fate of others.

I absolutely cannot believe in a human, jealous, judgmental God who subjects beings HE CREATED to eternal punishment and torture simply because they were raised Muslim, Jewish, Shinto, Hindu, Buddhist, or even atheist. I do believe that God IS love, and any attempts to make him complicated, with human emotions like anger and petty jealousy, are simply insecure human efforts to make him something they can grasp, a being who fulfills their selfish desires to punish people they don't like. And since God is love, there cannot be a Hell. There is no Hell. No freaking way.

I have come to the conclusion that I believe in a somewhat Hindu/Buddhist concept of reincarnation. When we die, we are directed by God into our next life. Sometimes, when a life has not been well lived, we are reincarnated as "lower" forms, animals and insects. This is not punishment, but rather God trying to give us an easier existence to practice on and become better souls before moving up into a complicated human existence again. This is why murderers and rapists happen; they are new souls who cannot cope with the difficulties of human existence. They are not bad souls...they just need more practice. Eventually, a soul gets to the point where they have lived a very good life and are at peace with themselves and the universe. Then we move on to that place Hindus call nirvana, which is really just like Heaven, but perhaps not as conscious. Nirvana is the energy flow. Nirvana is eternal semi-conscious existence where one constantly experiences the love and presence of everyone they have ever loved. I imagine it is like how I feel when I am lying with my boyfriend: silently enveloped in love and quiet bliss. No one is punished. Everyone is loved. Every soul gets to float forever with every soul they ever touched.

Beauty is truth. This is how I know that I will see my grandpa again. Our hearts know when something is right, because the beauty appeals to us. That was God's plan. And I know that now.

TMI.

I think it's funny when men write erotica from the female perspective and say things like, "She had never felt so much like a woman," etc., when some girl is getting railed with her hands tied behind her. As a progressive feminist, that doesn't really bother me in and of itself; the goal of gender equality (to me) is not that all women experience their femininity the same way, but rather that they have the choice to be whatever kind of women they want. So yes, I am sure that some women feel fulfilled and "womanly," whatever that means, during sex acts in which they are bound, gagged, tied up, taken from behind, whatever. What bugs me is the male expectation, revealed by some erotic writers, that THAT is how a woman should be sexy. She should submit fully to whatever fantasy her lover has in mind and she WILL enjoy it, even though it isn't necessarily her fantasy.

Being expected to perform in a particular way, even if it is "promiscuous" or "deviant" or "dirty" or "naughty," is not sexual liberation. You are only liberated when you make the conscious choice to act as best fulfills you and let everyone know that is why you do what you do. There is nothing wrong with being submissive, dominant, sado-masochistic, or traditional in your sexual expression. There is something wrong with equating sexual freedom to having lots of sex--that is a product of male imagination, and a dangerous product at that. Freedom comes with honest self-expression.

I hate me right now.

I was so proud of myself for applying to Carolina--for getting all the materials together, for writing the essay, for paying the $70 application fee.

But somehow, I completely forgot about applying for financial aid.
I am an idiot. There's no way around it.

So I sent in the application this morning...a month after I was supposed to do so. I emailed the admissions office asking if there was any chance I would be offered aid even though I am incredibly stupid and don't deserve it. I'm almost sure there's no way it'll happen. I am royally screwed.

I made a list of my options (assuming I get accepted to UNC):

1.  I miraculously get financial aid and everything is groovy. (Yeah, right.)
2. I work my ass off all summer and throughout the school year to pay for UNC out of pocket. 
3. I come back to UNCG and hate myself forever.
4. I take a year off to work.

This is awful. I'm ruining my own life. And I don't even HAVE a summer job lined up yet.

I am not PC.

1. There ARE, indeed, stupid questions.
2. Some opinions are just wrong. Misinformed, ignorant, nonsensical, whatever. Don't say something idiotic and then tell me you have the right to do so. No.
3. Forced sterilizations are a good thing. I believe in individual liberties only to the point that society is not harmed. And some people (e.g., the poor, the stupid, those with insane religious beliefs) need to NOT have children because they cannot raise them properly. Period.
4. It's not racist if it is based on repetitive observation. It's just true.

oh no.

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I never put on makeup anymore. I used to be so pretty. My hair looks like shit all the time. I have no style. Most days I wear sneakers and a hoodie. I don't do things I want to do because I've just accepted the fact that I am, apparently, a really boring person.

But I don't have to be. I need to find a way to get my life back. Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean that I have to give up everything else. I'm thinking about getting my nose pierced, just for the hell of it. And I'm going to cut my hair in a couple hours...let's see if it turns out okay. At least it will be different. Oh, and I'm going to start running so that I have more energy when I wake up in the morning--energy that can be used to actually look like I give a shit about my personal appearance.

I'm going to go to parties and local music events and actually get out of my room sometimes. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want, even if that includes things that are illegal. I'm tired of acting like I'm middle-aged. I'm 19 years old! It's time to enjoy life!