gosh darn it,

why can't I have two birthdays a year? Can we please celebrate my half birthday?!

I really NEED iTunes gift cards so that I can buy all of Regina Spektor's albums and listen to them constantly. Also, money for ModCloth so that I can buy big clunky stylish wedges and gorgeous dresses from independent designers.

I swear, this isn't a phase of materialism and snobbishness. I think I'm trying to reinvent myself. And a large part of that is fashion and music.

 By the way...my half birthday is May 9.

pretty German poem.

Zögernd leise
in des Dunkels nächtger Stille
sind wir hier
und den Finger sanft gekrümmt,
leise, leise,
pochen wir andes Liebchens Kammerthür,
doch nun steigend,
schwellend, schwellend, hebend,
mit vereinter Stimme,
laut, rufen aus wir hoch-vertraut
Schlaf du nicht,
wenn der Neigung Stimme spricht

Sucht' ein Weiser nah und ferne
Menschen einst mit der Laterne
Wie viel seltner dann als Gold
Menschen uns geneigt und hold.
Drum wenn Freundschaft spricht,
Liebe spricht
Freundin Liebchen, schlaf du nicht.

Aber was in allen reichen,
wär dem Schlummer zu vergleichen?
Drum statt Worten und statt Gaben,
sollst du nun auch Ruhe haben,
noch ein Grüsschen,
noch ein Wort,
es verstummt die frohe Weise,
leise, leise,
schleichen wir, schleichen wir uns wieder fort.

--Franz Grillparzer

desires.

A list of ten things I would spend money on right now, if only I weren't in the throes of oncoming financial distress caused by a probable lack of student aid for the fall semester and/or not having a job:

1. Big, pretty wedges and sandals with lots of straps.
2. Regina Spektor albums on iTunes.
3. Dresses, stylish shorts, and skirts for summer.
4. Long strand necklaces.
5. My e.e. cummings tattoo.
6. A book of e.e. cummings poetry.
7. A new tote bag since the one I use now is stained.
8. Haircut to even up ends and layer properly.
9. "Everything is Illuminated" by Jonathan Safran Foer.
10. New cellphone since my screen is cracked and I can't see my text messages as I am typing them, which makes it really difficult for me to make sure all the words are spelled and spaced correctly, and then I die on the inside if it turns out I spelled something wrong.

UNC needs to tell me that they want me to go to their school. And then immediately say that they're giving me plenty of money so that I can stop stressing about how the hell I'm going to LIVE next year. And then Duke Global Health needs to call me and be like, "hey, come be a secretary person and get paid lots of money to dress up cute and answer phones." Then I will have a reason to buy dress up clothes and get a haircut. And my list will be shorter.

I'm getting a tattoo.

Yes. I am.

I've always wanted to--just 'cause!--but I hate all those tattoos that mean nothing. Like the tribal ones. Ugh.

A tattoo should either be beautiful art or have deep personal meaning, in my opinion. It is not a decision to be made lightly or on a whim or, god forbid, when one is drunk.

I need to decide where it will be, but I've decided WHAT it is:

"for life's not a paragraph
and death i think is no parenthesis"

These are the last two lines from an e.e. cummings poem that has rooted itself in my heart. I posted it on this blog a long time ago. This is how I want to live my life. I want to remember that the effects of my life can be endless; they are not limited to only me and this time; death cannot stop my living.

Thinking about that makes me really happy. I can change others' lives with mine. I CAN. And when I die, it is not the end for me. I will go on in some way. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife, but as long as those who love me live, I will live also.

I think that seems like a good reason to get it permanently inked on my body.

naming my nonexistent children.

Girl:

• Liese/Liesel/Liesa. Very German and adaptable. 
• Marie. My mom's middle name.
• Elana/Elena. Appealing. 
• Margaret. Elegant. Only a middle name.

Combinations I like:
Liesel Marie, Annaliese Margaret, Marie Elena

Boys:

• Ryan. I actually kind of like this more for a girl, but we'll see.
• Julian. Sexy.

Boys don't have a lot of nice names. Hm.