musings.

When I was at Governor's School, one starlit evening, I was discussing the concept of reincarnation with my friend Elijah. He said he believed in it, and he said that sometimes you can just talk to someone and know if they are a new soul or an old soul.

"I'm definitely a new soul," he said, laughing. He described that he felt that way because he was so spastic and constantly energetic and all over the place. Then he looked at me, pondering quietly, and said, "You've been here before."

I felt this unbelievable frisson go through me, and I knew it was true.

I think about that a lot when I'm considering religion and the afterlife. Everyone in my life has a different opinion about what happens when you die. My boyfriend fervently believes in Heaven, Hell and a Day of Judgment. My mom believes in some kind of afterlife but not Hell. My dad is a former Catholic, so who even knows what he believes, if he believes anything at all. I recently have been telling people that I believe you just die and that's it, you become part of the ground--but I don't really believe it. My reason gets in the way of what my heart tells me a lot. My brain thinks believing in anything that can't be proved empirically is stupid, but my heart KNOWS that when Elijah said I was an old soul, he was speaking truth.

My mom and I were talking about this a month or so ago, and she described why she believes in something beyond death: conservation of energy. She believes strongly that the beauty of the natural processes of life could not have occurred within a divine helping hand. So, it follows that since in nature, energy can neither be created nor destroyed, a soul does not simply disappear when the body dies. Our self, our energy, becomes part of something else--whether that means reincarnation or an unconscious energy flow or "Heaven."

I like that. And it makes sense, so my brain is happy too.

Another idea that helps my brain believe is something my religious studies professor said at the beginning of this semester. No culture in human history has NOT developed some kind of religious cosmology as part of their culture. Primitive tribes thousands of years ago all fashioned a system of belief around a supernatural being/force or multiple beings/forces. These tribes didn't talk to each other; they didn't have Twitter. But somehow, they all developed beliefs that were essentially the same: there is more than this basic existence.

Also, the wondrous commentaries of children lead me to believe there is something more. They come to conclusions, often without adult guidance, about the marvelous place their grandparents go when they die. I just read a story in a comment on http://herbadmother.com about a mother who had two children, a boy and a girl, and who was not planning to have more. Her very young daughter came to her and asked where her other sibling was. The mother was obviously confused. The daughter explained that before she was born, there was her, her brother, and another child. "Where is the other one?" she asked, perplexed. And sure enough, two years later, the mother became pregnant unexpectedly with a second daughter. Her two daughters have been inseparable since the youngest one was born. If that doesn't make you believe in the permanence of souls, nothing will.


I think my struggle with religion is not because the concept is flawed, but rather because all religions existing now on this planet make my heart hurt. They violate what my soul knows to be the greatest purpose of existence, which is to love and be loved, by condemning others to the fiery pits of Hell, by making excuses for hypocrisy, by creating loopholes, by claiming that sometimes war is acceptable and God WANTS us to kill sinners, by hating others.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer came to the conclusion during his ministry and study that Jesus really intended for us to live according to the standards set in his Sermon on the Mount, that he loved us so much that he KNEW we could love our enemies, care for the poor, etc. This is why so many Christians upset me so much. The common modern theology teaches that, though God put his commandments down on tablets of stone, though Jesus preached on the Mount about how one should live one's life, that you don't really have to follow those rules because no one CAN. It's a cop out. It's lazy. They say that all one must do to go to Heaven is accept Christ as the savior of your soul because he died for your sins, and everyone else goes to Hell. Regardless of how one lived one's life.

I want to scream. "Don't you realize that means Gandhi is in Hell? Buddha? Malcolm X? Confucius? Millions of people that never even knew who Jesus was?" But they don't care, because they are comforted in their knowledge that they are safe, so they don't need to care about the eternal fate of others.

I absolutely cannot believe in a human, jealous, judgmental God who subjects beings HE CREATED to eternal punishment and torture simply because they were raised Muslim, Jewish, Shinto, Hindu, Buddhist, or even atheist. I do believe that God IS love, and any attempts to make him complicated, with human emotions like anger and petty jealousy, are simply insecure human efforts to make him something they can grasp, a being who fulfills their selfish desires to punish people they don't like. And since God is love, there cannot be a Hell. There is no Hell. No freaking way.

I have come to the conclusion that I believe in a somewhat Hindu/Buddhist concept of reincarnation. When we die, we are directed by God into our next life. Sometimes, when a life has not been well lived, we are reincarnated as "lower" forms, animals and insects. This is not punishment, but rather God trying to give us an easier existence to practice on and become better souls before moving up into a complicated human existence again. This is why murderers and rapists happen; they are new souls who cannot cope with the difficulties of human existence. They are not bad souls...they just need more practice. Eventually, a soul gets to the point where they have lived a very good life and are at peace with themselves and the universe. Then we move on to that place Hindus call nirvana, which is really just like Heaven, but perhaps not as conscious. Nirvana is the energy flow. Nirvana is eternal semi-conscious existence where one constantly experiences the love and presence of everyone they have ever loved. I imagine it is like how I feel when I am lying with my boyfriend: silently enveloped in love and quiet bliss. No one is punished. Everyone is loved. Every soul gets to float forever with every soul they ever touched.

Beauty is truth. This is how I know that I will see my grandpa again. Our hearts know when something is right, because the beauty appeals to us. That was God's plan. And I know that now.